Sunday, August 21, 2011

Happy Hormones

There was a moment when I felt I wanted a child. I opened my gates to the universe in an archaic dance invoking the ancient cheeky goddess Baubo. She had a laugh and fulfilled my wish. My consciousness burst into million fragments, my body liquefied into fire. I was forging my new self.

From the moment when I expressed my wish I started gaining weight. It was like my mind was already pregnant and my body followed. Then, it happened. I was grateful, I was ecstatic, I was confused. The perception of my body changed. If before I was worried about every single gram balancing on my scale, focusing on my belly terrified about its bloatness or floppiness, now I was full of joy glorifying my new roundness. I was looking into the mirror with pride. I was adoring myself like never before. Sure, I had ups and downs, I wasn`t in control of anything. My mind was lost in the upper skies singing with cherubs, my body was uselessly trying to regulate the urging tide of hormones. It took a while, but after few months I was riding my wave of blissfulness like a pro. I was enjoying and showing off my new breasts. I was exposing my skin soft and smooth to the eyes of the world. I was swaying my beautiful hair left and right. I was walking straight and proud, but most of the times I was laying in bed for long hours.

I had the urge to document my transformation. It was something beautiful happening to me. This change, that before I was so afraid of, was the most sensual metamorphosis I`ve ever had the chance to witness. I was afraid of my belly becoming big, yet now it was getting humongous right below my chin and this fact was making me happy! I was horrified of outgrowing my jeans for half a size, and now I could only wear the last number of jersey leggings magnifying my big ass triumphantly reigning on the top of my luckily long legs. Yet, I felt like a queen. I disdained maternity apparel and brazenly squeezed in silhouette making tops and fancy dresses. With 14 kilos more I had the feeling of rising from the foam on top of a shell. I had the same mysterious smile glowing on my face. The nature have thought about everything, that humorous bastard. That tricky cheeky funny lady sprinkled a fist full of magical powder right in front of my eyes - they call it happy hormones. She sprinkles them all over and around a pregnant woman making her feel like goddess and making other people surrounding her see the beauty of creation instead of radical disfigurement of a female body.

For nine months I walked in front of the mirror and winked. From time to time I clicked, downloaded and saved.

Elena Skoko, May 2010

Introduction to “Happy Hormones” pregnancy self-portraits exhibition (work in progress).

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