Sunday, August 21, 2011

What is the Right Time for Motherhood?

When I was 25-27, I couldn`t stand the pressure of my relatives concerned about me being a single and not considering having children. My cousin even accused me of being selfish. I never understood why, though I spent some time thinking about it. When I got married, me and my husband didn`t want children, only fun. My mom stopped asking me about my intentions to become a mother after she realized the more she would speak about it, the more I would get irritated and hate the idea. Only from time to time, she`d mention the happiness of being a mother regretting that I "will never feel it". Now, I never said I would never become a mother. Though I must confess I said that children were monsters.
When I went over 30, I still didn`t feel it was my time. However, I did start thinking that some day I might want to have children, though I didn`t have any plans yet. At one party a cousin of a friend (what`s the matter with cousins?!!) was telling me that if I didn`t have children I would become "dry". I hardly understood what she had in mind, it was something about being selfish (again), egoistic, uncompassionate, sad, bitter, grumpy and so on. I answered that I didn`t want children now but when I`d want them, I would have them. I adopted this answer for years that followed. Of course I encountered many people telling me I might not be able to have children when I wanted them, but I considered them being only unconsciously malevolent. Some books and some authors made me think about conscious conceivment in an uncommon way. I thought the idea of starting a new life with a "cosmic orgasm", that Jodorowsky was talking about, was a good thing and much fun too.
My marriage did`t last all life long, as I though it would. We parted in piece and mutual agreement. Then, I met another man. It was like a blast. We both felt close to what might be a "cosmic orgasm", it was more than just having sex, it was having more sex. We both agreed it was exceptional and not only physical. And for some alchemical reason we have both felt like being chosen by a certain soul to guide it through this world. I am deeply convinced that children choose their parents before being born. It`s not a simple chromosomes exchange. So, the desire to have a child appeared to me loud and clear. It was my time. I made myself available. I opened my heart and let the love flow freely. I felt humble and receptive. I gained weight. I had visions. I didn`t have plans, I was simply enjoying it.
I got pregnant at the age of 35. I didn`t feel old or late. I felt right, blissfully right. I had no fear any more. I wanted my little monster to love her beyond all reason.

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